Why I Can’t Escape Non- Fatal Strangulation

Some types of abuse can be hard to decipher or define whilst you are in the relationship. And sometimes even afterwards toxic and controlling behaviour is very difficult to explain out of the context of the situation. 

I am a survivor of domestic abuse. Physical, sexual, psychological and economic.

I have been sharing my experiences with organisations since 2018 when I left the relationship and my life looks very different now than it did back then. At times I reflect on certain incidents, or recall a specific event and try to explain to people in my life or professionals how the dynamic of the abuse worked. Some things within the context of a healthy relationship are fine and it is only the pattern of them or the timing which actually aligns with abuse. For example, What if I told you that my  partner picked me up from work. This is one of those things which happens in both a loving relationship and an abusive one. However in the abusive relationship, the intention is completely different, when an abuser picks you up from work it’s to check where you are, to stop you doing overtime, to eyeball one of your colleagues, in my case it was to bang on the window and cause a scene so that I would eventually be disciplined and managed out. You can see how I had to elaborate about the abuse here and then the action itself makes sense.

Now imagine I tell you that my partner strangled me. 

Abusive relationship. Alarming. Completely dangerous and threatening. You might ask me if I’m OK, do I have any lasting damage? Was an ambulance called? Even if I had not told you that I was previously in an abusive relationship, if I was to tell you that my partner had strangled (or choked) me, or that he had grabbed me by the throat, there is a high chance that you would be alarmed.

I should let you know that I am very well and six years on, life looks completely different. I am happily married with a daughter of my own.

I rarely play the radio in my car as I take any journey as an opportunity to play whichever playlist I am currently addicted to or catch up on a podcast. However this one particular day I just could not settle on something and decided to switch to a generic pop/ RnB station.

‘I’m vanilla, baby (I don’t like no whips and chains, and you can’t tie me down) I’ll choke you, but I ain’t no killer, baby’

Let me tell you I have heard these lyrics almost incessantly since this song was released, and every time it ruins my day. Rather bizarrely, a clip of the song was trending on the motherhood side of Tiktok, shortly after my daughter was born, as part of a trend where mothers showed off their babies under one. Personally I don’t understand the connection.  I have heard them on Tiktok, on Instagram, in stores, on the TV, and I have seen this song celebrated, charting, I have seen little girls lip synching to it, I have seen it on reality TV. It makes me want to cry. It enrages me like nothing else. Every time I hear this description of choking in a song, I feel so angry, alone, isolated and I genuinely fear for the future of society. I am scared for my daughter, I am scared for my friends, I am scared for my 18 year old cousin starting hr journey into adulthood and dating. Why? Because we are singing and dancing to popular music which says choking is no big deal. Putting your hands around your partner’s neck is just a regular part of any intimate relationship.

What is it about these words that makes me feel so badly offended to my core?

‘I’m Vanilla baby’

Vanilla- A term widely used in popular culture to describe someone who isn’t considered to be part of the fetish community, plain, average, the norm, usual.

‘I’ll choke you but I ain’t no killer baby’

Excuse me?

Is choking the norm? Is choking not associated with danger and even death?

If your abuser regularly chokes or strangles you, you are actually SEVEN times more likely to die at the hands of the perpetrator. Yet here in a number one hit single, we have lyrics referring to choking and strangulation. Choking, could make you a killer. Of course, I understand poetic license, of course I understand that it’s ‘just a song’, but people like Harlow are role models and continue to perpetuate dangerous myths about what is trendy, enjoyable, and how people should behave, certainly within the dynamics of heterosexual relationships in order to be seen as desirable. I am not naive about the lyrics of popular songs. It is one thing in itself when artists don’t bother to code their language anymore and explicit lyrics aren’t hidden or disguised, but I find it to be another level of obscene when a lyric is describing an act of violence within an intimate relationship. The lyrics are blanked out on the radio but I know what they are, because I’ve heard them all over Tiktok and Instagram. Everybody knows what the words are if they have any type of social media presence. The media and entertainment industry has a huge part to play in the portrayal of relationships and what is acceptable. Imagine coming from a home environment where relationships and intimacy aren’t discussed with you, would you begin to think that this must be what everyone is doing? How would you know any different than what the mainstream media shows you?

I am not singling out this artist in any way, this is simply an irritating example of how widely popularised the idea of choking and strangulation is as some kind of harmless kink. Instagram is full of memes that refer to choking in a ‘sexy’ way, as though it is some kind or normal practice. I feel like I must be the one missing something. Are we really at a point in society where choking during intimacy is the expected standard? Am I such a frigid spoilsport for pointing out that this is warped and dangerous?

When I hear lyrics like this, as a survivor of non-fatal strangulation, I feel completely alone, abandoned by a society where people would rather celebrate abusers and red flag behaviour rather than making victims and survivors heard. Many people advocate for the idea of consent where choking is concerned, but I would question whether anyone actually wants to be strangled, or they are agreeing to it because they fear the person they are intimate with might shame them for saying no. I feel sad that this practice is so normalised that the lines between what is healthy and what is not in a relationship are so blurred.

I can only speak for my own experience as a heterosexual woman, but I have encountered so many men who seem to be obsessed with this type of power play in relationships both during intimacy and outside of it to varying degrees. My abuser used strangulation to induce the ultimate fear and control over me, and I fail to understand how this type of action can be so flippantly written into a pop song. Personally, I feel bereft and exhausted. I feel like the butt of the joke. I feel like there must be something wrong with me for being upset that this violent action can be the topic of casual internet jokes.

As someone who has made every effort to create the most peaceful life after abuse for myself, I am desperately sad that I cannot use the internet or switch the radio on without being reminded of the way my abuser almost killed me. I feel like he has the whole world on his side, I feel like I deserve what happened to me, and I feel astounded that anyone can consider it a safe, act of love and care.

Music and popular songs are something which are part of culture, memories, growing up, reflective of society and the current zeitgeist, so do we accept that strangulation and choking is part of popular culture, that we are in an era where we have normalised choking as an expected part of intimate relationships? I fully believe we should live and let live, and whatever people do in their own homes is their business, we cannot be a society which polices people’s private lives, but is it really acceptable to openly promote choking to young people? It is not hard to find derogatory lyrics about women in music, I am especially guilty in my younger years of enjoying songs where I thought the lyrics were quite offensive when isolated, but this seems to be a blatant description of a practice which needs to come with a health warning.

Written by Aicha

Published: September 2024